The Explainer: Hiper-Paiz Conspiracy Theories, Part I

By Steve Mullaney

Ah, the wonder that is La Pradera Mall & HiperPaiz: 47 stores that sell shoes, 38 phone kiosks, 1 overpriced bike shop and an enormous grocery store. The mall, clearly designed after one person watched Mallrats once, is a wonder of capitalism: how can it possibly exist? Why don’t the shoe stores go out of business? Who actually pays Q40 for a pillow at the HiperPaiz grocery store? Clearly, some nefarious action is going on. This new mini-feature will explore conspiracy theories behind different aspects of HiperPaiz.This month: Why do all the Hiper checkout folks wear a badge that has their blood type listed?

If you read the checkout badges it appears that Big Brother has done a once-over on the HiperPaiz grocery store. On every badge is the cedula (national ID) number, other personal info details and most head-scratchingly of all, blood type. Obviously the Great Wal-Mart Overlords In The Sky have a reason for this…and it’s explained by the following conspiracy theories.

1) HiperPaiz is managed by vampires who have rare blood allergies. Know about celiac disease? It’s an allergy against gluten and means that you can’t eat most bread products. Perhaps there is a vampire celiac disease that means you can’t have type AB+ blood, and therefore you need to brand your employees with their blood type so that the managers can be safe. Oh, also, having your blood sucked by your vampire manager is a condition of employment.

2) Every time the hospital needs blood they kill a HiperPaiz worker. You never see any announcements about blood drives in Guatemala. Why is that? Could it be because the hospitals are in cahoots with HiperPaiz and every time they need blood they just kill another worker and drain a whole 10 pints at a time? (How’s that for efficiency, Red Cross?) Because they are able to draw more blood they don’t have to have drives, just hire more people.

3) They just enjoy f-ing with you. Self-explanatory.

4) They are breeding the perfect employee. Someone who can work for long hours, expect very low pay and carry type A+ blood. Why? Because A+ is the choicest blood, looks good on a report card, and is resistant to, uh, disloyalty? Those who are marked with scarlet A+ lettered blood are rewarded, B-‘s clean the bathrooms.

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