by Lindsey Horowitz
Aries (March 21- April 19)
Your debit card was stolen again… or maybe you lost it? Get it together, Aries, the stars say December will bring mad cash. Wake up and cover up your pin at the ATM.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
November feel like one giant hangover? Get it out of your system now. This year is for fun and play, but come January it’s all over. Health outlook: no so bueno and turns out your liver is really important.
Gemini (May 21- June 21)
Get both your halves on the same page and decide if you are staying in Xela or moving on. We are sick of having despedidas for your indecisive ass and are now leaning towards you leaving.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Cranky crab get over yourself. No one wants to hear about how you are stiiill getting over that cold or how it is soooo cold in Xela. December goal: focus on the daytime sun and be a glass-half-full kind of pal.
Leo (July 23- Aug 22)
Fun loving Leo, careful not to get out of control. Even though those pills are cheap and the farmacia is handing them out like a blue-light special, that doesn’t make them good for you. Exercise moderation.
Virgo (August 22- September 22)
Oh no… you didn’t use the Guatemalan condoms did you? Your estrellas are heading towards fiery Mars meaning you should probably see the doc to get that itch checked out.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
Balance this Libra: 5 hours of Spanish don’t pay off if you only speak English once you leave. Use some of your Spanish School budget on networking with the locals. They won’t bite!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your relationship status is moving along steadily, even if you are steadily swinging. Con cuidado as what was once charming soon becomes annoying. Pull back that stinger, remember to be kind.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is on fire with amor after a hot birthday month. However, hot stuff, don’t burn your bridges. Xela becomes really small really fast, and we all know you took home from the bar last night!
Capricorn (December 22- January 20)
Not everything has to be under control. For December Guatemalanize yourself, be 20 minutes late for everything, don’t finish your homework because you were out drinking, and eat at least one meal off the street.
Aquarius (January 21- February 18)
Wherever you are from, hope you voted for the right side to fix this economy as your financial outlook is in the red. In fact, you should probably check your balance; you already overdrew.
Pisces (Feb 19- March 20)
Hate your job? Guess what, you’re a volunteer, meaning they don’t pay you. Don’t quit, just make “work” fun again and don’t sign up for all the benefit cake walks. Spend a few lazy nights at home watching pirated movies on your laptop.