Fashion Police: A Column From 2006

Travel Pants, January 2006

Now, darlings, I know it was hard leaving home. Sweet Lord, it nearly broke my heart saying goodbye to my nearest and dearest – Givenchi, Armani, Diana Ferrari, and packing them into a hermetically sealed, climate controlled, double alarmed storage vault.

But life goes on, ducklings. We must not, as the emergency manuals say, Freak Out, Go Apeshit or Lose It in any of its other manifest forms.

Sadly, though, I have noticed this tendency amongst some of my Jetsetting Associates. Quite frankly, some of you are wearing things that we all know would never cut it in a million years back home.

So the editors of this racy little magazine have had the good sense to ask me to give a friendly little monthly nudge, in regards to fashion no-no’s. Let’s begin with…travel pants.

Sugarplums, I know there were some elementary mathematics involved here: 1 pair of trousers with zip off legs = 1 pair of pants + 1 pair of shorts = more space in the backpack. But let’s just think about this for a second. The amount of space saved is exactly equivalent to one pair of shorts. And the real equation looks more like this: 1 pair of “travel pants” = 1 ugly pair of pants + 1 ugly pair of shorts. I mean good God, people – have you never even heard of Vacation Sex? How do you expect to be getting any if you’re walking around looking like a Boy Scout leader?

And I really can’t leave the subject of pants with out visiting this whole “pockets on the outside” issue. The rule here is very simple; on a covert mission to invade a small country: acceptable. Otherwise: not.

I understand that pretty much every pair of pants on the market today, from pyjamas to suit pants has at least one pocket on the outside. But please, darlings, persevere… as Dr. King said, We Shall Overcome… And if you do end up crumbling, please, for the love of all things wholesome and pure in this world, please refrain from actually putting things in the pockets. We all know you can fit your guidebook, water bottle, phrasebook, camera and bag of Doritos in there – it doesn’t mean you actually have to do it. This is what backpacks were invented for, possums. Use them, and may your days be elegant and well lived.

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