Fashion Police: A Column From 2006

The Utility Belt, May 2006

Well, duckies, I have actually been noticing a few minor improvements, fashion-wise, around town, and naturally I’ll be taking all the credit for that.

We’ve still got a long way to go before we reach Maximum Fabulousness, though, so buckle yourselves in as we explore an all-too-common Fashion Tragedy…The Utility Belt

Batman you are not. Nor, sadly, Wonder Woman, Aquaman or any other lycra clad superhero with impressive thighs. So why the desire to go jangling around town like an escaped pack mule? These belts are just frankly shameful in an urban context. Why? Well, let’s go through their contents on an item by item basis:

Swiss Army Knife: It’s a well-known fact that the only two applications these things really have are for opening wine bottles and peeling the occasional apple. Hardly the sorts of emergency situations you’re going to encounter cruising down the 4th Calle, wouldn’t you say?

Compass: How can I put this delicately? If you need one of these to navigate around Xela’s Zona Gringa, you should return to your hotel room. Immediately. We’ll let you know when it’s safe to come out.

Maglight: Granted, Xela’s electricity supply is notoriously crap. But slinging a flashlight in a holster 24/7 seems a bit excessive, don’t you think? Not a bad idea, but unless you’re planning on conducting on-the-spot cavity searches, it could easily live in your backpack.

Mountain climbing Carabineer: Yes, Xela’s streets are steep, but really… I’m guessing that most of you who clip these on have never actually been rockclimbing, so let me fill you in: For these to be of any use, you also need a harness, about 60ft of high quality rope, some sexy little rubber shoes and a whole range of other junk that is likely to make your stroll from the internet café to the bar most uncomfortable.

I could go on, darlings, but as you can see, space is at a premium. So take care, and remember – there’s nothing wrong with strapping it on, just so long as you’re going to use it.

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