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Fashion Police: A Column From 2006

The Spanish Mullet, June 2006

It’s true, possums. It’s been a while since I touched on the delicate subject of hairstyles, and truth be told, I don’t really care so much. As long as it’s clean and cut according to some sort of logic by somebody who has held a pair of scissors before, what goes on Up Top is pretty much up to the individual.

There are, of course, limits. And these limits are, of course, overstepped every now and then. You know what I’m talking about, duckies, and if you don’t, let me spell it out for you…The Spanish Mullet.

Now, sweetpeas, I know that some of you weren’t fully conscious during that hideous and painful decade otherwise known as the 80s. Lord knows I tried not to be. So let’s get our definitions straight. A “mullet” is any hairstyle where the sides are short, the top is short or medium-length and the back is loooong.

Still confused? Think Michael Bolton. Think Bon Jovi, circa “Shot through the heart”. Now stop thinking about them and pay attention.

It’s one of the mysteries of the Universe that the Spanish seem so keen on reviving this particularly nasty piece of hairwork, but then they’ve never really been All There fashion-wise, have they? From Cortez’s puffy pants which were only really suitable as nappy protectors or personal floatation devices to their more recent Eurovision entries, we can see that our Iberian friends have a thing or two to learn.

But GOOD GOD, SPANIARDS. HAVE YOU NOT DONE ENOUGH HARM ON THIS CONTINENT ALREADY? Are you not content with having brought your venereal diseases and guilt-based religion? Must you also infect this beautiful land with the idea that a hairstyle which should really go down as a comical footnote from a particularly misguided era is somehow hip and de rigueur? Think about what you’re doing, please schnookums… and cut those little rats tails off while you’re doing it.

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