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Here Come the Hooligans! A Hat Tip to Bill Hicks…RIP

By Steve Mullaney

Bill Hicks, possibly one of the funniest people ever to live, did a really great bit about the difference between the way that delinquency was portrayed in the US and in Great Britain.

He mentioned leaving Los Angeles right before the Watts Riots as well as the way that the press portrayed the warfare between the Bloods and the Crips (two American gangs).

He then contrasted that with a British newspaper headline: “Ruffians Overturn Rubbish Bin”.  Mocking the paper, he asked facetiously what would happen if the ruffians became hooligans.  Prancing in place (as he imagined a hooligan would) he predicted that the hooligan would get his skull smashed in by a Crip.

Bill Hicks aside, the Football Hooligan image has captivated newspapers and provoked tsk-tsk’s from the moralizers.  But how do we know when we have encountered a true Football Hooligan as opposed to a mere ruffian?  Fortunately, XelaWho was invited to a sociology conference (Editor’s Note: a bar) recently where all of this was explained (Editor’s Note: drunkenly explained).

1) Ruffians hurl insults; Hooligans hurl rocks at the other team.

Perhaps you saw the rather unfortunate Xelaju-Municipal game. Did you catch the part where the ref stopped the game to point out hunks of cinderblock thrown on the field? Or the police in full riot gear protecting Muni corner kicks?  That’s because of the hooligans, not the ruffians.

2) Ruffians will paint their face; Hooligans will forcibly tattoo the opposing team’s fans.

Rogue tattoo artists have been known to ambush opposing fans and give a Chivo tat.  Well, not really.  I suppose it’s more a forcible tattoo…with your fists.

3)  Ruffians wake up with a nasty hangover; Hooligans never sober up…

…and die of Cirrhosis at age 31. Hooligans aren’t known for their longevity.

4)  After reading this article ruffians are nodding knowingly; after reading this article hooligans are wrapping this article  around a brick and taking aim at my head.

Fortunately FIFA has a witness protection program.  Time to go into hiding.

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