We read Revue so you don’t have to. By Steve Mullaney
Robert Frost revisited: Two magazines are placed upon the yellow wood of a coffeehouse table. I chose the one that doesn’t suck, and it made all the difference.
If you are into reading Guatemalan magazines in English then you are definitely familiar with XelaWho – your source for laughs and info in Xela, as well as Revue which is – as far as we can tell – a 200-page collection of ads with an occasional article thrown in for flavor. Supposing you’re in a rush and don’t have the four minutes necessary to read Revue’s content or the eight hours necessary to read the ads we’ve outlined the highlights of October’s issue below. Come to think of it, this is actually a summary of every issue ever produced, so if you’re ever Revue-curious just save this article in your wallet and read over it from time to time.
Jade Ad Section: Do you have $800 and want a jade necklace? Great! There are roughly 700 places that you can buy jade necklaces in Antigua, all located five minutes away from Central Park. Nothing says “I went to Guatemala” more than gaudy jade jewelry made exclusively for foreigners… nothing except adopting a real live Guatemalan baby! Check out Babies & Jade on page 372 for more detail on how you can acquire the two most essential accessories of a Guatemalan Adventure™ in one convenient shop!
“Holistic Psychotherapy” Section: Are you a man wearing hippie pajama pants or a woman named Melody? Great! You are probably looking for a poorly-sourced 150-word article on something called “holistic psychotherapy” written by a woman who earned a doctorate through a Tortrix promotion. Advice in summary form: drink fruit juice, wear comfortable clothes, meditate, aim away from your eyes while jerking off.
Events Section: Do you want to spend Q250 listening to a talk about marimbas with the aforementioned Hippie and Melody? Great! Now you can with the thrilling Revue Events Section. Composed entirely of events costing Q200 or more and located in Guatemala City universities you will be well on your way to becoming a Cultured Traveler™.
“Lake Views” Section: Want to see what happens when you pay a columnist by the word instead of by the article? Great! “Lake Views” is a “humor” section that stretches a mildly-amusing fourteen word sentence into a six-hundred word article. Chances are, if you bought a jade necklace you will find it hilarious; otherwise, probably not.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s Revue in a nutshell. In an effort to save the environment XelaWho encourages you to contact Revue’s editors and get them to save trees by distributing copies of this article every month instead of their listless little magazine.