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Dear Dr. Wisdom

transcribed by Blake Nelson

Dear Dr. Wisdom is a nationally syndicated advice column, and we are pleased to have William Walker as this month’s “Dr. Wisdom.” A native Tennessean, Walker is most famous for travelling to Nicaragua in 1856 and declaring himself king. His new government was immediately recognized by the United States, yet challenged by many Nicaraguans.

Dear Dr. Wisdom,

I’m living in Xela studying Spanish, and there’s this gorgeous girl at my coffee shop…but I don’t think she speaks English. Should I practice my Spanish? Would her parents approve?! Help!

-Lost in La Luna

Dear Lost,

Hello everybody! Gather ‘round please. My name is William Walker, and I am your king. Now, I see we’ve got some work to do civilizing and Christianizing, so how about this: can all godless heathens please move to the left, all naked savages to the right…Why isn’t anybody moving? Does anybody know what I’m saying? DOES. ANY. BODY. KNOW – you know what? Forget it. Where are the rifles?

Dear Dr. Wisdom,

I’ve been on a bus since Patagonia, so I’d like to stop here and volunteer. I’d like to live with an incredibly conservative home-stay family, yet

practice an excessively liberal lifestyle. Any ideas?

-Bored Backpacker

Dear Bored,

Where are you guys taking me? Can somebody get me the American Embassy? Wait, I’ve got this certificate…Let me awe you with the magic of moveable type! “This certifies that William Walker is the rightful leader of…” Why isn’t anybody listening? Wait, are they taking me to a banquet? I bet they are! Bob! Grab me my scepter!

Dear Dr. Wisdom,

I want to look like a local. But without the “Haight-Ashbury/federal fugitive” vibe locals give off in Pana. I want people to look at me and think: ‘he’s so authentic, if it wasn’t for his skin I’d say he’s K’iche!’ How can I do this?!

-Wishing I Wasn’t White

Dear Wishing,

Oh god! No no no no, you’ve got me all wrong. Seriously, put down the weapon. Put down the – look! The Jaguar God! Over there…why won’t you look?! Ok, how about this: if you don’t take me off the rotisserie, I will…make the sun disappear! Wait for it, wait for it…Ah ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you?! The sun god obviously doesn’t want…wait, shoot that was just a cloud oh no please you don’t know what you’re doing I just OH GO–.

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