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Plastic 1 Quetzal Bills

by Steve Mullaney                     

Outside of Guatemala, a wad of poorly folded green plastic is known as “garbage”; inside Guatemala it is known as “Q1 bills”. These bills are ugly, impractical and never seem to fit quite right in any wallet. Why would the government do this? Besides cracking down on the rampant forgery of Q1 coins—easily the biggest crisis Guatemala has ever faced—the Q1 bill has the added bonus of being able to do the following things that are popular and practical. This month’s WITP shows you the secret uses of Q1.

1) Less painful to make it rain. Previously when rich Guatemalans wanted to opulently shower each other in money they would through Q1 coins. After an accident that sent eleven members of congress to the hospital it was decided that there needed to be a way to throw money that didn’t involve internal bleeding. (For a deeper understanding of “making it rain” check out Make it Rain by Fat Joe ft. Lil Wayne)

2) Reusing plastic is good for the environment. Instead of having plastic trash accumulate in landfills the Guatemalan government is promoting environmental… hahahaha just kidding. In order to offset any potential benefit to its citizens the government is strip mining one mountain for every Q25,000 it produces in Q1 notes.

3) Emergency dental floss. So you have some food stuck between your teeth and don’t have any dental floss. How else will you get it unstuck?

4) You can look through the see-through plastic part and it’s really cool. You just hold up that see-through part to your eye and…c’mon! Don’t tell me I’m the only one who’s done this. You know it’s really cool, you’re just acting like it’s lame to make me feel stupid. It’s cool you guys. Really…

5) Snorting cocaine has never been easier. Given what cocaine is going for these days you certainly wouldn’t want to use a flimsy paper bill. XelaWho does not advocate snorting cocaine, but if you were to snort cocaine and had to choose between a Q1 plastic bill and a Q5 paper bill we think it’s a no-brainer. Plus, you’ll be providing fun thrills for the next person who uses it as emergency dental floss.

So there you go: practical uses for the Q1 bill. Oral hygiene and drug use. Either way make sure to save all of your Q1 notes to buy your bus ticket on your last day. Linea Dorada totally loves it when you pay your fare entirely in plastic Q1 bills.

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