Chances are that if you have been in Xela for longer than two weeks you have probably gotten some sort of illness. With any luck, it is something relatively simple to take care of—but since publishing this magazine we’ve run across stories of motorcycle accidents, brain parasites, and every single intestinal parasite possible. So, in the interest of keeping our readership alive, here is the official XelaWho guide on how to deal with illness.
Don’t get sick in the first place. Wash your hands, fool. In our experience, most illness comes from not taking the time to wash your hands. You don’t have to be that guy who carries around a small bottle of hand sanitizer, but if you’re friends with that guy then you’ll be OK.
Know about your free options. On the corner of 5 Calle and 12 Avenida in Zone 3 there is a free health clinic. This is a good option for shots. If you have accidentally grabbed some rusty metal this is a great place to get a tetanus shot.
Another free option that is good to know about is the public hospital. If you don’t mind waiting four to five hours in order to be atended, then you will get some surprisingly decent care.
Know about laboratorios. Laboratorios are basically labs where you give a stool simple and then they tell you what kind of antibiotic to take. If you are of the school that “antibiotics cure everything” then you will be well-served to go here. If you’re looking for something more comprehensive, check elsewhere.
Pick the right private hospital. If you need to hit the hospitals for whatever reason, the one that you definitely want to go to is Hospital La Democracia. Just around the corner from the Linea Dorada bus terminal, La Democracia easily has the best staff and the most comprehensive level of care. The only hospital that you should really avoid is Hospital Privado Quetzaltenango, which is by the brewery.
Don’t update your facebook status to tell everyone you’re sick. Seriously, status updates regarding your illness are scientifically proven to be the world’s most boring status updates. Instead of giving hourly shout outs about your sore throat, just let everyone know that you’re having a good time.