By: Steve Mullaney
Picamas is the uniformly green, unquestionably synthetic hot sauce that can be found in every restaurant everywhere. Nobody knows what, exactly, is in Picamas, but everyone seems to put it on foods ranging from eggs to hot dogs* to soup. This provokes the question: with so many more delicious homemade hot sauces available, why on earth is Picamas so popular?
1) Great for practical jokes. Putting a bottle of Picamas into the fresco de tamarindo is the Guatemalan equivalent of baking ex-lax into brownies. If you do this, just make sure that you have the closest chair to the door.
2) Novelty fake blood at Halloween. Because Picamas is green it could be great for fake blood for Frankenstein or some other monster…because Frankenstein has green blood. Get it? Get it? No? Ok, fine…
(Editor’s Note: We tried this and it left 3rd degree burns. Do not apply Picamas directly to your skin.)
3) Quetzales. The secret ingredient that gives Picamas its distinctive green color is everyone’s favorite endangered species—the quetzal. In this way it is sort of the foie gras of Guatemala: nobody wants to eat quetzales because they are so gosh darn cute; but, at the same time Picamas is so tasty that nobody can help themselves.
4) Crying baby that won’t shut up? Enough said.
5) There’s a “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” thing going on here. In Guaetmala there are five lucky boys and girls who will get a chance to tour the Picamas factory run by the eccentric Juan Carlos Wonka and the Oompita-Loompitas. If you are lucky enough to find the boleto dorado hidden on the inside of your bottle then you get a chance to see what really goes into Picamas—besides snozberries of course.
Much like Winston Churchill’s view on the Soviet Union, Picamas is destined to be a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. It might not always be clear what exactly Picamas is, but at least it’s something that can add a bit of spice to whatever it is you’re eating. God knows that after months of huevos y frijoles you might as well spring for the huevos y frijoles picante.
*Not that anybody knows what is in hot dogs either…go figure.