Baldetti & Trump: Secret Lovers?

by Fathouse Productions

XelaWho’s election coverage continues to focus on the candidates who inspire us, reminding us all that anyone, really anyone, can achieve higher office, overcoming disabilities as serious as severe stupidity and tastelessness. Roxana Baldetti of Guatemala and Donald Trump of the United States are today’s heroes.

Roxanna Baldetti, Guatemala’s ex-Vice President who recently resigned, has been arrested for her alleged involvement in corruption rings. Prosecutors are not worried about her ability to defend herself. She recently and famously said in her defense, “I haven’t robbed a single cent! I swear it on the life of my mother, who’s dead.”

When she was asked about her involvement in the recent disappearance of her personal secretary who is wanted for corruption, she explained that she couldn’t have had anything to do with it. She was in Korea with him to receive, incredibly, an “honorary doctorate” for “social works,” and explained that he took flight while she had no idea that a scandal was breaking out in Guatemala…. “When it’s daytime in Korea,” she explained, “it was nighttime here. When I was being given the doctorate it was nighttime here… so I didn’t have any information whatsoever.”

When she was widely criticized for taking a trip to the Vatican to see the canonization of Pope John Paul II, a trip that was paid for by the Guatemalan government, she explained that, “It’s cheaper to go to Europe than to Peten, since the airlines give so many discounts.”

She is supposedly quite religious, if not terribly smart. During her first trial proceedings in August, 2015, she decided that instead of paying attention she would write Hail Mary prayers dozens of times on the papers in front of her.

When a scandal broke about horrible, systemic abuse at the Federico Mora Hospital for the mentally challenged in Guatemala City, she said, “For those who haven’t seen the hospital, it’s super-nice.”

At a Patriot Party rally, Baldetti introduced the party’s next presidential candidate screaming, “Is he a hunk or is he a hunk?!”

Baldetti also repeatedly praised a ridiculous multimillion dollar government contract for a “magic formula” to clean all of Lake Amatitlan that later withered under public scrutiny. The formula had not been independently tested, was developed by an Israeli man the Isreali government called a fraudster, and the engineering company’s Guatemalan address led to a body shop. And yet, when Baldetti talked to the press by the lake, she said the formula would work and that she’d treat all present to a dinner of fish fresh from the lake. But not right then… “You can’t eat them now… in October, according to my calculations, I’ll treat you.” October, conveniently, is just after the 2015 presidential elections.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, currently the most popular Republican candidate for president, isn’t afraid to tastefully comment on the opposite sex. He said about his TV show, “all the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

He also shared a tweet recently that related to Bill Clinton’s history of cheating on Hillary Clinton, also running for president. The tweet read, “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?”

He also blamed news anchor Megyn Kelly’s tough questions posed to him during a debate on “blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her… wherever.”

 

 

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