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XelaWho by Issue

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I Could Be Covered in Manure and You’d Love Me

By Rotten Tacos

A new movement is sweeping Xela in an attempt to dissuade the cat calls, grabby hands, and false professions of love. This has spawned from a long-held desire of the female population of Xela to create something stronger than pepper spray, angrier than Resting Bitch Face, and more impactful than flipping the bird when the third micro ayundante before 7 in the morning calls you “Mi amor”. You don’t love me. You love my yoga pants and the fact that they’re filled with an ass.

A study produced by the University of Wisconsin-River Falls Extension in combination with Universidad Rafael Landivar, experimented with over 2000 combinations of smells, ranging from rancid to putrid to nauseating. It was observed that men most negatively react to a combination of rotting garbage, manure, and a hybrid scent that mixes the perfume of their mother with that of their angriest ex-girlfriend. When combined and allowed to soak for three days, this potent sewage-like sludge can be applied to a number of items with a deterrent range of up to 150 meters.

Women of Xela are now using this new-found knowledge to their advantage and have started selling a unique line of products focused solely on repelling men. The initial line, “Pinche Perro”, focuses on scarves, headbands, bracelets, and bras that have been soaked in the pending patent “Pinche Perro Potion”. This premiere product line is set to launch in select stores and cantinas throughout Xela in April.

Future plans for expansion of the product line will focus on a more discreet line of products involving the use of United States military technology tested during the Clinton Administration. Interest has already been garnered from Jennifer Lopez, who is working with the Xela coalition of mujeres to create an auto-taze pair of jeans. JLo, having experienced much unwanted attention directed toward her ass, feels very personally involved with this cause, quoted during an interview last week as saying “I got this ass, ya know?”

The auto-taze jeans will use a technology that’s part motion detector and part lightsaber to create an invisible force field that surrounds the ass of the wearer. When a forward striking motion is detected as moving towards the ass region, a 2000-volt electric shock is administered from the tailbone seam of the jeans with no harm to the wearer. The shock, noted as appearing akin to a lightning bolt shooting from the rear, directs itself toward any material and is particularly conductive with pleather jackets and hair gel.

Until this new line is fully available women will have to continue with traditional methods of determent and defense: attempting to punch anyone that touches us and then chasing the bastard 4 blocks past the Dispensa, running like crazy in a dress, screaming maniacally that his dick is smaller than a pencil and when you catch him you’re gonna show him how a sacapuntas works.

No me toques.

Note: after writing this article and ADD-researching ‘pepper spray spider man wrist’, the author discovered that all devices described in this super non-fiction article have actually been invented in India.

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