Dear Auntie Dolores

Dear Auntie Dolores,

I’ve been living in Xela for a month and a half now. I’ve been dating a Guatemalan man for a couple of weeks. He is incredible, so sweet and fun at the same time, though what really won me over was his dancing… OMG his dancing! His hips move like I’ve never seen before, if you know what I mean. I thought we could become more serious but an unexpected problem come up during our Easter holidays: his six other girlfriends. What should I do? I’m still in shock.

Thanks,

Dizzy in Xela

Dear Dizzy in Xela,

I’m sorry but you know even less than Jon Snow! It looks like you’ve encountered a classic male Xela prototype: the salsero [salsero: from the latin salsitare. A man that uses his Latin dancing skills to get with women from all over the world, simultaneously if he can. Colloquial form: caza-gringas].

Don’t feel bad about it, it’s easy to get salsero-ed if you’re new in the city. For you and other fellow sufferers I’m going to share some tips to help you identify this kind of man in time.

  1. The salsero always uses his dancing skills to seduce, so his natural habitat is limited to dance floors with Latin rhythms where his hunting potential increases considerably. You must stay alert if you become a target of his hip movements. Enjoy the dance if you wish but be wary as less charming movements may be imminent.
  2. The salsero is always looking for more than one target. He shares smiles and winks all over the disco. He will dance with many to hedge his bets.
  3. The salsero doesn’t speak much; as we already know, his specialty is dancing. The less Spanish you speak the bigger the chance that you will become a target, so improve your Spanish!
  4. The salsero is rarely alone, they move in packs. Sometimes their hook-up game will include their mates. Don’t believe all the wonderful things they tell you about him.
  5. The salsero’s ability to mislead often surpasses his dancing abilities, which may actually be minimal. Indeed, their hips may lie. Salseros often prefer amateur dancers who are easily impressed by basic steps full of turns that will leave you confused and dizzy, which, by the way, make you more vulnerable.
  6. If you find him by chance with another girl, no matter what he says, she is NOT his cousin.

So, Dizzy in Xela, my only other advice to you is: leave him immediately. Sign up for salsa classes so the next time you meet on the dance floor he’ll be the dizzy one, and stick with Spanish classes so you can communicate with the six other ladies.

The next time you see him, you might also consider telling him that you understand completely that his romantic self-control issues are not his fault, that they come from severe insecurities, that you’re pretty sure you know what they are, and that you’ve already told all your friends about them so they don’t misunderstand him.
P.S.

The use of salsero in today’s advice column only applies to men with romantic self-control issues. It’s not applicable to many of the wonderful dancers in our lucky city. That said, let’s go dance!

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