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Chivo in Love

Dear Auntie Dolores,

I’m a 26-year-old dude from Xela, a real chivo. Living in this city I’ve learned how to speak with people from all over the world with different languages and cultures. Until now I’ve been doing great (especially with girls) but everything changed a month ago. I met a Spanish girl and she’s driving me crazy. I thought it was going to be easier to get with her, since we speak the same language and our cultures aren’t that different. Well, I know now that I was wrong. I really, really like her but it seems like everything I do upsets her. I hope you can help me understand her better. I’ve been reading your advice and I’m a big fan… I’m in love and I need your help!

Thanks!

Chivo in love

Dear Chivo in Love,

You, me and every one else all know love is not an easy thing, but it’s especially complicated if you are trying to please a Spanish girl. I’m going to try to give you some tips, but with Spaniards nothing is guaranteed.

First of all, don’t talk to her about football all the time. She can be Spanish and still not like Barcelona OR Real Madrid. She might not even care about football, so try to find another topic of conversation. Avoid also tapas, flamenco, and calling Spain the “madre patria.” No hip Spanish lady feels good about that whole Spanish empire thing.

Under no circumstances call her “gringa.” Always check before assuming. Many Spanish women associate gringos with imperialism, with thinking that they’re the center of the universe (Trump-ismo)… and with people who think Spain is a part of Mexico. Spanish women do not consider themselves gringos at all since they come from progressive, sophisticated Europe!

And feel free to make fun of the English. In Spain, the English (along with the Germans) are seen as the world’s worst tourists. Loud, drunk, sunburnt, pissing in the street, and never speaking Spanish… Needless to say, NEVER compare her to an English tourist. There’s no comparison. Well, they both have a king, but definitely don’t mention that either.

She already knows that her accent is different. Do NOT imitate her every time she says “hola.” Also don’t add any “ostia tio, que pasa, española” to your sentences…. it doesn’t make any sense.

If you try to talk Spanish politics, stay up to date. Talking PP or PSOE won’t impress her. Try Podemos and Pablo Iglesias. Whatever a Spanish woman’s politics, thinking about young, beautiful, rebellious, pony-tailed Pablo for a second won’t upset her. It might even get her going. Talk Podemos to her.

One thing I know is important for Spanish girls is food. Please her in the kitchen, show her that you can cook, and, most important, take time for your meals. Avoid talking about how much you love special Spanish foods like jamon ibérico or certain cheeses. This will make her hungry and sad. Unless of course you have the food, in which case you have a shot at getting her back to your place. Bring it up immediately. Especially ham.

The last thing I can tell you for now is: Good luck and jamón, Chivo in love!

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