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The Unbeliever

By Auntie Dolores

Dear Auntie Dolores,

I’ve been living in the city for 2 weeks and few days ago I had my first date here with a Guatemalan woman. We met in front of the theatre and headed to a bar. I wanted to share a litro with her but she said that she doesn’t drink. I thought to myself umm strange but I can deal with that — at least on our first date — I know other people that don’t drink and they are fine, most of the time. Besides, we were having a good time together and she wanted to meet again on Sunday. But it wasn’t exactly the meeting I was expecting: she wanted me to go to the church with her. At this point I was confused, no alcohol, and church? Also she needed to be home at 7pm! There was definitely something weird going on. I asked her about all this and she explained, “Soy Mormona.” This marked the end of the date: she went home — it was already 7 — and I polished off another liter of cabro wondering how I can get better at dating in Xela. What is a Mormona? What can I do to have fun with this person?? I would be grateful for any piece of advice that you may have for me Auntie Dolores. Thanks in advance!

The Unbeliever

Dear Unbeliever,

You have a Mormon on your hands! This is quite common in Guatemala as the Guatemalan government and American organizations encouraged US-based Protestant proselytizers to challenge the influence of Catholic groups that encouraged political activism and preached Liberation Theology during the Armed Conflict. Many Guatemalans were attracted to Protestant sects for their emphasis on sobriety and small business, and for the relief aid that poured in from private US religious groups and stood in for the lack of social spending from US-backed Guatemalan dictatorships.

While your lady might not be into the Maya cosmovision or the bar scene, she might be a great dancer. Many salseros in Xela don’t drink, perhaps because dancing is so much fun that booze isn’t necessary. Plus, salsa sobriety avoids unwanted elbows in the face. Ask her out to dance, and see what happens. If you can’t dance, take lessons together!

Mormons are also often basketball players, as Mormon churches generally have at least a half-court on their grounds. If she’s not into dancing or ballin’, well, I have no idea what you can do. Maybe ask her what she does for fun… even if the relationship doesn’t work out, at least you’ll get to experience a different perspective on “good times.”

Xela is a multicultural city: open your mind and be ready to explore. Love is mysterious and surprising, keep that in mind with your Mormona. Just don’t expect to get to third base before she tries to convert you. Once she does try, you’re in business. Try telling her: I promise to read Nephi chapters 1-16 if we can get to second base tonight!

 

AND FOR THE LOVE OF LEHI, NEPHI, AND SARIAH, USE PROTECTION!! There’s no “Plan  B” for a Mormon!

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