May 2008 Issue: Strike One
April 16 is a date which will live in infamy. We were forced to steal that line from Roosevelt because – for the first time in the history of our illustrious magazine – our writers went on strike. Gathered in an angry mob outside of corporate headquarters, they threatened not to write a single word until we raised their pay and gave them English language keyboards so their ártiçlés wouldñ’t £óók like thís. Tensions were high and it wasn’ t long before things got out of hand. One board member was almost maimed crossing the picket line on his way to the executive foosball room. In retaliation, one of the writers was hit with a flying object that can only be described as, “a water balloon filled with red paint.” It wasn’ t long before a meeting of the editorial staff and other higher-ups was convened to make a decision on what to do. Where would we ever find people incompetent enough to write such sophomoric drivel? What does sophomoric even mean? And most importantly, who keeps using the last roll of toilet paper in the executive bathroom without replacing it? Things had gotten serious, and, as it were, a bit unsanitary. Fortunately, one of our copy editors came up with a brilliant idea at the last possible moment. ” Let’ s go to a bar,” he said. So to a bar we went, growing ever confident in our decision-making abilities. After a few rounds, somebody suggested we actually give in to the writers’ demands. Hah! He clearly had no sense of history. Screwing over workers is practically a national tradition here in Guatemala. So if we didn’ t give in, you ask with anticipation, what did we do? Fortuitously (we looked that up at dictionary.com), on that very day a cage full of monkeys escaped from the Xela zoo and headed straight for our office. After herding them into the writers’ pit, it came to me: why not lock them in there until the magazine is all finished? And that’s exactly what we did. The best part? Nobody noticed. That’s right, we actually replaced our staff with a roomful of monkeys for the April issue and nobody noticed. Sure, the feces fights are more violent than they used to be, but, on the bright side, our head lice problem has been almost entirely eradicated. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?