January 2006 Issue: The XelaWho Wish List

januaryWell, I dunno about you guys, but 2005 was a pretty good year for me. I’m kind of sad to see it go. Maybe 2006 will be even better. Or maybe I’m just being greedy. Anyway. I was thinking about making some resolutions this year, but really, what’s the point? I never keep them. So instead I’m going to make some resolutions for everybody else in the world, so then they can not keep them, but at least I won’t feel like I’ve let myself down again. Number one on my list is…

ENOUGH WITH THE DOUBLE TALK, ALREADY

Look… if you’re in Guatemala to get laid and take cheap drugs THAT’S FINE. There’s really no need to pretend that you’re all interested in studying the Mayan calendar all of a sudden. Likewise, if you want to open a Spanish School to make some cash, do it. Don’t invent some project that doesn’t even exist to make it look like you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart. And if you want to invade a small country just to steal its oil, say so. Don’t come up with all this hooey about democracy and National Security. It’s embarrassing and you’re not fooling anybody. Which reminds me…

WHAT’S UP WITH THIS WAR BUSINESS, ANYWAY?

I may be going way out on a limb here, but doesn’t solving complex political, social and racial problems by basically throwing stuff at each other seem just a tad primitive? Even if we are constantly developing newer and deadlier things to throw and newer and fancier ways of throwing them, surely we can do better on this one, people. Which segues nicely into my next point, namely…

ENDING WORLD HUNGER

I dunno… I just felt like a Miss World contestant all of a sudden, and I think this is a required response. But seriously, if we do have to settle our differences by firing off all this stuff at each other, can’t we make food fights the UN accepted mode of conflict resolution?

Who amongst Saddam’s victims would not relish the opportunity to unleash a few well-aimed cream pies into his face? And won’t the news headlines be slightly happier? US Army Accidentally Bombards Wedding Party With 90,000 Hot Dogs. Villagers Call For Ketchup, Braised Onions, or Extremists Explode 400 Pound Can of Spam Outside Crowded Market. Shards of Processed Meat Cover Surrounding Neighborhoods.

Think about it, folks. That’s all I ask.

XelaWho Magazine. The name you can trust for flippant answers to the tough questions.

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