Surviving Xela’s Rainy Season

By Steve Mullaney

Chances are the copy of XelaWho that you are reading is all wet. This, of course is no comment on the quality of this fine magazine, just the fact that all of a sudden it’s raining a couple hours a day, six-to-seven days a week. While we recommend buying an umbrella, in a pinch this copy hoisted over your head can provide a stopgap for your three-block sprint. If you’re extra creative, soaked copies can be turned into papier-mâché. (Best sculpture wins a prize!)

So how do you survive rainy season? Honestly, it ranks somewhere between a paper cut and mild diarrhea in terms of aggravations. By keeping in mind some of the following tips & tricks, you’ll be as dry as possible for the next, uh, four months.

1) Invest in DVDs. Whatever plans you have are automatically assumed to be canceled once it rains. Sure, you want to go out, but it’ll be wet, and cold, and icky and…you do have that copy of “Vampire Ninja Babysitters 4” that you picked up at La Demo! So, VNB4 it is.

2) Pack a canoe. Certain streets flood, especially around Pasaje Enriquez. You’ll need to plan your jaunts into town around which streets remain passable. Either that or wear waist-high galoshes. Considering that most going out is to bars and that nobody has ever gotten picked up wearing waist-high galoshes, it pays to figure out which streets to avoid.

3) Look before you plummet. Coupled with the flooding streets is the fact that most quarter-inch puddles are actually five-inch puddles in disguise. Locals trace this back to a curse placed upon the city by a five-inch puddle who was unjustly imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. Although, it’s been remarked that the municipal government’s unwillingness to repair its roads also factors into the mix.

4) Cars will splash you. Little known fact: Xela’s drivers have a game called splash the tourist. A regular tourist is worth five points. One with dreadlocks is ten points. Dreadlocks plus ridiculous pajama pants means that everyone in the car needs to buy you a liter of beer. Your best defense (besides a big hat, dread-head) is a downward umbrella thrust, which, if timed right, can save your pants.

5) Coffee makes everything better. Well, maybe not your student loans; but everything negative associated with rainy season will magically disappear after the first cup.

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