Fashion Police: A Column From 2006

Mayan Clothing, March 2006

Ok, goselings. I must confide in you that after last month I had planned to drop out of the Fashion Police on account of the lousy pay and benefits (who ever heard of all you can eat tortillas as a “perk”). However, after receiving the replies from my “Grunge” article I realized this transcends me: it is my duty to pick up where your mothers left off, keeping the streets clean of the fashion inept. I can’t cover it all this month but minimally let’s have a talk about…Mayan Clothing.

You are not an indigenous Mayan. Most likely neither were your forefathers. I know the colors are beautiful and maybe back home at your weekly pajama party you can show your bed buddies what vibrant sleepwear is on sale in Guatemala. But until that moment be strong. Don’t stick a single gaily attired appendage out from under your fire retardant sleep sack. Let’s talk about the two biggest items:

The Poorly Fit Mayan shirt

Originally made to fit the influx of Scottish travelers in the mid-eighties this shirt will hug your body like a clown jumpsuit. Better able to handle a healthy haggis gut, don’t wear this if your torso is over a third of your total height as you will end up looking more like Shaggy and less like the experienced eco-traveler you might wish. Even the vanity shirts “I’m angry or you’re just ugly” and “Call me daddy” are a better choice for chest coverings than the Mayan shirt. Or, heck, go bare-chested.

The pajama bottoms/Mayan pants

Now we all know that drawstrings are fun to chew on and can double as shoelaces in Mcgyver-esque times of need, but when was the last time drawstrings have been seen making an out-of-the-house appearance since you last saw nursing home patients on their daily exercise walks. So, when drawstrings team up with thin, gaily dyed cloth and exterior pockets, sweeties; there needs to be an intervention. Besides, while we are being all anti-corporate, buying hand woven cloth what are the locals spending that money on? Air Nikes and a Coke.

Ok. I’m finished for this week. Never forget my linditos; there is a dress code, and I am here to enforce it. -FP

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