Ex-pat Happy: Shocking Claims

In a move that has shocked Quetzaltenango’s foreign community, US retiree John Stevenson has gone on record as being “quite happy” living in Xela.

Stevenson, 53, retired and moved here three years ago. Since then he alleges to be having “a pretty good time”, with his adaptation to local culture being “relatively hassle-free”.

Stevenson made the claims before a stunned crowd at a recent meeting of the Quetzaltenango Expats Association, a forum generally characterized by bitching, moaning, lengthy, fruitless discussions along the lines of “why does it have to be this way” and the serving of semi-stale pastries.

Association Director Amos Taylor played down the outburst, saying that he’d seen this sort of misguided contentment in the past. “John’s a relative newbie.” Mr. Taylor said, “It’ll take him a while, but I’m reasonably confident that soon enough he’ll be whining about gas prices, air quality and the lack of decent water pressure right alongside the rest of us.”

Stevenson appears unrepentant about his comments, however, claiming his current level of happiness is quite likely permanent. “Hey – I left the States for a reason, and it wasn’t just because my measly pension put me below the poverty line. I like it here, and if not being able to find a reliable tradesman is the price you pay for not getting a fortnightly colonoscopy from Big Brother, I’m happy to pay it.”

As a precautionary measure, Mr. Stevenson’s comments were forwarded to the triple razor-wire surrounded US embassy, located in an exclusive zone in Guatemala City. A recorded message promised that they would be dealt with at the first possible opportunity.

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