Xela to Debut “Chivo Certification Course”
by Rotten Tacos
In an attempt to develop a more involved immersion course for the frequent travelers and students that grace the streets of Xela, the municipal department of Quetzaltenango has joined forces with 18 local Spanish schools and Pollo Campero to form the “Chivo Certification Committee”. This committee is responsible for forming Guatemala’s first certification course offered for gringoes, “Chivo la Verga: Level 1 – An Introduction to Life Skills”.
The certification is the municipality’s premier attempt at developing an in-country assimilation program which evaluates travelers based on a series of physical tasks, local knowledge, and emotional stamina. Potential certification candidates, to be referred to as “Cerotes”, will be evaluated by a panel with separate scores for each of these 3 elements – physical, mental, and emotional.
Physical tasks are presently slotted to include: whether the Cerote can successfully chase and board a moving chicken bus on the carretera (highway); Ability to find and then run up Baul directly behind a fuming microbus; Effectiveness of defense tactics executed when a passerby performs an unwarranted ass, vag, or tit grab; Range of movement and looseness of hips, in addition to correct dance step identification of bachata vs. merengue vs. salsa vs. cumbia vs. Enrique Iglesias.
Mental capabilities will be evaluated by: Correct use of the imperfect imperative preterit subjunctive nosotros form of vos; Critical analysis of the personality characteristics and flaws of 7 chapines that will approach the Cerote and proclaim them “el amor de mi vida” after 12 minutes of half-assed Spanish small talk; Correct naming of any other Guatemalan department than Quetzaltenango and identification of the state of Minnesota.
Emotional stamina will be tested via: The Cerote’s ability to withhold from touching the cutest street dogs in the world; Reactions to a staged series of petty theft, primarily focused on stealing shoes and keys; Duration of time the Cerote can withstand hearing firecrackers directly outside their place of residence, beginning at 5 am and continuing until the onset of facial twitching.
Upon successful completion of the program, gringos will be awarded a certificate woven by a local cooperative and a herd of goats. The municipality will also confiscate any copies of Lonely Planet currently being held by the gringo as it is anticipated, upon completion of the course, that the Cerotes will no longer have any desire to go anywhere else except Xela.
Gringos wishing to apply for the certification may contact their Spanish school directly to inquire about program start dates and fees, or purchase a large bucket of Pollo Campero’s best crispy chicken, which includes a coupon code to use on website that doesn’t work. The next anticipated round of judging is anticipated to begin January 15th, but will probably actually start around late February. The application process is expected to consist of a series of rigorous applications and character interviews that may be bypassed with a 200Q deposit into the correct mano.
If successful, the municipality plans to roll out “Chivo la Verga: Level 2 – Challenges in Street Food” for the following rainy season.