Trapped By Trump

By Auntie Dolores

Dear Auntie Dolores,

A week ago I met a girl. I want to ask her to go out but before I do that I want to organise have the perfect first date. We both live in Xela. She’s a gringa and I’m from France. Neither of us know the city very well so I need some stellar advice on what to do. However, there is a small detail that I have omitted thus far which may turn out to be a problem during our first date and our future together: she loves Donald Trump! I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to deal with this. I like her a lot so I want to be able get over this obstacle and get to truly know the girl underneath. Help me Auntie!!!

Trapped by Trump

Dear Trapped by Trump,

Love works in mysterious ways and this is the perfect example. Love is not easy either and it looks like you are going to need to work hard if you want this relationship to blossom.

First of all you need to decide where to take her on your first date. There are many romantic places in Xela where you can go but in this case I just have one suggestion for you: the shopping mall. Why? Escalators!!! Donald Trump LOVES escalators. If you haven’t watched it yet, I highly recommend you watch the Youtube video: Trump Comes Down an Escalator — 2016 Presidential Announcement. As a Trump fan, I’m sure she will just love this quirky reference to her political idol.

To complete this perfect first date (for her… maybe not for you) invite her for some tacos. As I’m sure you know, on Cinco de Mayo the Donald pronounced his love for tacos and Hispanics (in that order) by eating a taco bowl in Trump Tower Grill.  Unfortunately, you won’t find a Trump Tower Grill in any of the shopping malls in Xela, but La Padrera has a Taco Bell which will more than suffice and is guaranteed to keep your date a very happy bunny (until she needs to run to the bathroom).

Cultural differences are always difficult to overcome. When someone faces this kind of challenge in a relationship the first thing to always do is to study the context. In this case you need to analyse just where this attraction to the Donald comes from, so you can use it to your advantage. To answer this you need not look further than Donald’s own words: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” Listen to Donald: she most likely doesn’t even know where her attraction to Donald comes from. It’s not her fault, it’s Donald’s hair.

One good thing about this love for Trump is that she probably won’t care if your hands are small. Oh wait… was Little Marco the one with small hands or was it Donald? American politics is so confusing!

Regardless, the most important piece of advice I can give you is to be patient. Listen to her, listen to Donald and try to convince her of her misplaced adoration. She can’t love Trump for ever (we hope)! If you don’t succeed, there’s no need to fret as you still have lots of time to reconsider your options, alongside many other Americans before November.

Good luck Trapped by Trump!

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