P o p p i n g
New Year’s Resolutions
Made your new year’s resolution…. oh good, glad to hear it. Unfortunately, some new-ish research confirms that the second Thursday in February, or “Fat Thursday”, is the day that most people fall off the wagon (or get back on it?) and give up on their well meaning commitment. For Britons the most common pledges are lose weight (35%), get fit (33%) and eat healthily (31%).
This results in big changes (for a while). In the U.S. some studies show gym visits rocket up 36% in January and fast food visits go down 13% (you just can’t beat a burger, fries and a McFlurry after 10 minutes hard work deciding which gym machine to use for 2 minutes, eh…). But it’s the second Thursday in Feb that the trend of people eating more junk food and dropping out of the gym intersect. So beware of Fat Thursday and make sure you’re part of the 8% of people that actually achieve their NYE resolution. XelaWho’s 2017 resolution is at least 50% more cringeworthy puns per issue…. realistic but we’ll probably still see you at Taco Bell on Thursday Feb 9th!
F lo p p i n g
Grave Robbing Is Out
Someone stole a cadaver from Xela’s graveyard. They unsealed a tomb from the 1930s and made off with the remains on the 27th of December, according to Stereo100. This is just gross. Please, stick to stealing smartphones and gas tanks. Guatemala has enough disappeared and dead to worry about without you hauling up the mouldering bone fragments of some poor soul from a century ago. If you live by the cemetery and notice otherworldly screams, rivers of blood, or an old and undying light, mark your door with a cross of Quetzalteca and stay inside.
If you make it through Xmas with the family, NYE on the lake and your vain attempt at an elliptical at the gym on Monday Jan 2nd, you’ve got a few weeks to gear up for the biggest party day of the year. No, not Valentine’s Day (snooze…), it’s Australia Day on January 26th. The world’s most international holiday is celebrated in all 196 countries across our blue planet (even Kim Jong-un likes to throw a prawn on the barbie and head down to the sunny beaches of North Korea for a dip in late Jan).
So what is this magical day on which everyone must don “footy shorts” and have a few beers listening to Triple JJJ’s Hottest 100 countdown?. On the 26th of January 1788, Captain Arthur Phillip of Her Majesty’s Royal Navy sailed into Sydney Cove with a bunch of convicts to raise the British flag for the first time in Australia to claim the unsettled land for George III and set up the world’s roomiest prison colony (note: your faithful editor’s family came over on a boat just like this a few years later on the 9th of May, 1828).
Apparently, Australia was already inhabited… who knew? In 1788, best estimates put the indigenous Australian population between 314,000 and 1,000,000 people spread across 250 individual nations all over the Australian island continent. By 1900, the aboriginal population had been decimated (literally… look it up) by measles, smallpox, tuberculosis and resource degradation to the point that the population was just 90,000. So while many celebrate “Australia Day”, a growing number of Australians observe “Invasion Day” for obvious reasons. Think: celebrating Thanksgiving with your mates while keeping in mind the pretty ugly history it’s based on.
You can still throw an eggplant on the barbie and have a few beers, just with a slightly less nationalistic soundtrack (Jimmy Barnes is OK btw) and a little more critical analysis of racial issues in modern Australia/wherever you happen to be while being yelled at by a shirtless bogan draped in an Aussie flag.
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!