January 2008 Issue: Our New Year’s Resolutions

It’s January, which means it’s time for the obligatory XelaWho New Year’sjan08 resolution editorial. When I looked back on New Year’s editorials past – really, you expected us to be original for once? – I found that our past resolutions (ending world wars, solving world hunger and legalizing gay marriage) have gone unfulfilled. Worse, they seem to have regressed. Far from over, the Iraq war and the effects thereof continue to destabilize the Middle East. As always, less publicized wars in Africa have claimed even more lives without the international outrage that should accompany them. World hunger rates have seen a steady increase in recent years. Guatemala itself has one of the highest child malnutrition rates in the non-African world. Since Massachusetts legalized gay marriage in 2004 and Spain and Canada followed suit in 2005, the vast majority of laws pertaining to gay marriage have served to limit the rights of gay couples and restrict the possibility of future liberal legislation.

With our current track record in mind, and without any further ado, I give you our resolutions for 2008:

1. Ban tolerance. I’m talking racial, socioeconomic, religious and ethnic. If you’re white, hate minorities. If you’re a minority, hate white people. And other minorities. Poor? Hate the rich. Catholic? Hate the Protestants. But mostly yourself, you sinner.

2. Increase global warming. Have you noticed that it has gotten pretty cold during the mornings and nights around here? I’m sick of it. Can you imagine what the Canadians must be dealing with? The horror. So if you’ve got aerosol cans, spray ‘em. Have access to a gas-guzzling truck? Let’s ride.

3. Increase human trafficking. I don’t know about you, but Natalya, the 12-year old sex slave I imported from Russia in the late 90’s, is now 22 and well past her prime. Given the stricter laws and enforcement against human trafficking, it may be years before I find a suitable Cambodian replacement. I say let’s cut through the administrative red tape so we can all enjoy a little more bondage, literally and figuratively speaking. But mostly literally.

Here’s to hoping that the annual XelaWho New Year’s resolution jinx continues. Happy New Year!

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