March 2007 Issue: Roll Out the Red Carpet

mar07The rumors are true, my friends. His Highness will be descending upon the country this month, to visit President Berger and comfort all Guatemalans with his renowned blend of verbal flatulence.

Yes, from March 8th to the 14th, George W. Bush will be visiting Brazil, Uruguay, Colombia, Mexico and Guatemala as part of a “charm offensive” in a region he has tossed on the back burner, or perhaps off the stove completely, for the past six years. This, of course, comes on the tails of his successful “wanna cuddle?” campaign, launched to patch things up with the Democratic majority in Congress.

The global press uttered a collective “what the hell?” upon reading the White House press release detailing Bush’s southern tour. Before the announcement, most had agreed with David Cross’s thoughtful observation that Captain Freedom’s awareness of Latin America was limited to “taking shooters in Cabo San Lucas.” And after having his feelings hurt so deeply at the 2005 Cumbre de las Americas in Argentina (people called him really mean names), it seemed unlikely that Bush would be coming back.

But Press Secretary Tony Snow cleared it all up. Bush is apparently stopping through to “deliver the benefits of democracy in the areas of health, education, and economic opportunity.” I assume he’s bringing them in his briefcase.

He specifically has chosen to visit Guatemala in order to highlight the warm, historic ties between the two countries – you know, United Fruit Company, death squads, and other fuzzy memories – and “experience the rich cultural diversity of this Central American nation.” Insert your own clever quip here: ___________.

The White House has been surprisingly secretive about the reasons behind Bush’s visit, and even the experts at XelaWho are a bit confounded. Cynics say he’s escaping a shitstorm of disapproval back home, optimists suggest he may be finally responding proactively to the imperial immigration crisis, and this editor believes he just wants a copy of XelaWho.

In all likelihood, Boy George will be hyping the wonderful success of CAFTA and discussing the current rancor within the US migrant community, whose continual growth obviously has nothing at all to do with the effects of said trade agreement.

George, I know you’re reading this. Everybody does. I should tell you that I don’t like you. Nobody does. But you can change that, by using your visit as constructively as possible – namely, by offering a promise that you won’t be back.

You may also like...